The Last Cruise
I
Let's escape
The reach
Of Cell phones,
Satellites
Chatrooms, Websites,
Stalkers, Malware,
Usernames,
Passwords,
Software updates
And a Tangle of
Technology
That won't hold a charge.
Climb aboard
The Volendam
With my sister and me
And we'll cruise to a place
Where going online
Costs six bucks a minute.
II
They say Alaska has never
Seen weather like this
But if this is warm,
I don't want to see
Alaskan cold!
It's bone-chilling cold really
And I wonder
About those passengers
Promenading
The deck
Wearing
Skimpy clothes
Like it's the middle of summer,
Which it is,
Somewhere way down south.
A down sweater,
Four layers,
A windbreaker
and a woolen blanket
Is what it takes
To keep my sister warm:
Tightly swaddled,
And propped up in
Her teak steamer chair.
Alaska: Land of the Midnight Sun!
And Northern Lights,
Where salmon fly
Between the claws of grizzlies,
And lumbering whales
Breach still blue waters,
Where even the glaciers are calving,
Outside charming towns
That sell Russian Eggs
And gilded icons.
"The fact that we saw
A whale was good
But you can actually
See whales better
If you go to the movies," said Linda Loo.
The Volendam
and her 2000 souls
Creeps silently up
The Northern Passage,
Five miles
Shy of Margerie Glacier,
Close enough for
That Kodak moment
But far enough away
We don't cause a stir.
From a distance
She fills the horizon:
A 20-mile long glacier
A river of ice
A mile wide
And 300 feet high.
Behold This Half Dome of the North!
Behold This tired Old Faithful!
Keep your eyes focused
And don't look away:
'Coz she could calve at any moment!
Followed by
A thundering roar.
"After ten minutes of staring at this
famous glacier, you'll get all glaciered out!"
Cried Linda Loo.
Prim and proper
National Park Rangers
Boarded the ship this morning,
Set up tables
In the Crow's Nest,
Across from the bar,
Dispensed maps
and sold flash drives
Filled with glacial pics,
And knighted us "ambassadors"
Of the Inner Passage
Over the PA.
Later I asked a Ranger
If Cruise Ships were bad
But he knew I was a writer
And took me aside
"Put down the cellphone," he sternly said
as then he read me the riot act:
"Tourism is the mainstay
of Alaskan villages,
The number one money maker
Of the Klondike,
That leaves mining and fishing far behind.
"Half-million people visit Glacier Bay every year
and most of them
arrive
and depart
on these giant cruise ships.
"We'd much rather have
4,000 people
visit this pristine wilderness
for an hour and then leave
Than 4,000
Single Occupancy Vehicles
That will stay for days!"
Sure enough
It didn't take long
For us to get our fill
of Margerie
And her lifeless,
Teal, Green water
as our skin burned to a crisp
under the blazing sun.
And then
The Volendam
She came about
and made her way back home.
III
It took 35,000 men in 1900 to build the
White Pass & Yukon Route Railroad
And it took
Two diesel-electric locomotives
To haul our antique trainset
to the top of the mountain.
Once used to carry freight
And miners,
She now
Hauls tourists
3000 feet up
A three-degree grade,
Hugging death-defying curves.
Well,
We almost made it to the top
Before one of our locomotives died
And came to a standstill
Near, but not quite at the summit
Of the White Pass.
Leaving us puzzled
until the conductor
delivered the sad news.
He gave us free hats
And promised a partial refund
As the force of gravity
and the train's sturdy brakes
delivered us back home safely.
IV
All too soon
Our cruising ended
And we stood before
That steam-powered clock
In Vancouver, BC:
Back on the grid
with planes to catch.
On our final approach
To Albuquerque,
We were about to land
When the pilot suddenly
revved the engines hard
Pulled up the plane's nose,
Pushing us back into our seats
With the force of two g's
Launching us like a rocket
back into the night sky.
(It seems there was a plane on the runway and
And the Captain
Aborted the landing
At the last minute.
Saving a hundred lives
Including my own.)
Then I hailed a Lyft home
at the Sunport
And my Alaskan trip was over!
Over but not forgotten.
And certainly an experience
I'll never regret
Because
Sometimes it's OK
To leave your Carbon Footprint
Upon the Sands of Time.
When you're an
Ambassador
Of the Inner Passage
Just looking for a good time.
Soon afterwards the virus hit:
The cruiseships, planes, trains and automobiles
Stopped running
The buffets went bankrupt
And the restaurants closed.
We self-isolated and social distanced ourselves
and before you knew it the cities burned:
All the more reason to savor the good times
And never, ever take anything for granted.
Thank you for visiting Chucksville.
Please sign my guestbook.
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