There's a lesbian couple at our table: two young ladies who have never cruised before and are desperately trying to learn the ropes.

This couple neglected to bring along any formal clothes so they weren’t able to attend the Captain's table nor could they gain admittance in the formal dining room.

So they picked up the phone and decided to order caviar from room service. When the food arrived, the couple were horrified to discover an $18 surcharge for the delivery of said caviar. And this couple expected an ounce of sympathy from us!

I’m still learning about cruise etiquette and Mom is the best teacher. There must be at least twelve different forks, knives, and spoons clustered around our plates for a given meal.

Mom showed me how using the proper soup spoon can significantly expedite the consumption of soup. When she’s right, she's right and as painful as it is for me to accept advice, she is generally correct about anything cruise-related.

Tomorrow: Grand Cayman Island.

Mother reminds me of a few more Jack Freedman jokes:

A man has three beautiful children: perfect complexion, perfect proportions, absolutely stunning, and he is proud as can be. Next comes his fourth child, a really ugly kid. The man approaches his wife and says, “That is not my child, no way, impossible, I absolutely will have nothing to do with him.”

The wife pleads with her husband, "I swear to you that child is yours. I swear to you by everything sacred that child is yours....However, I must confess that the three other children are not!"

Write it down. Write it down.

A lonely man approached a gorgeous woman at a bar. She turned to him and said, “Mister I don’t want to waste your time, I only date Jewish men and cowboys. What’s your name?”

“Hop along Goldberg,” he responded.

Write it down!

And finally, a man is hunting bear in the Northern woods of Canada. He sees a great bear, raises his rifle, takes careful aim and shoots. BANG. The smoke clears, and nothing’s there. He feels a tap on the shoulder. It’s the bear.

“Listen," the bear says,“you’re here to kill me, aren’t you?” “Oh no,” said the hunter, “the thought never entered my mind.” “Oh yes,” said the bear, “you wanted to kill me.. so I give you a choice: I can either tear you apart, or we can go back to my lair and make beautiful love.” Seeing he had no choice, he went back to the lair in total humiliation and submitted to the beast's will. But in the back of his mind, he said to himself, I will come back next year and kill that bear.

Freedman stretched out the joke for two more visits to the north woods, each time the hunter missed his mark and the bear took him back to his lair to make “beautiful love” to the hunter.

Finally, on his final visit, he took careful aim and shot twice, making doubly sure that bear would be shot dead. When the smoke cleared, alas there was no bear, and he felt the dreaded tap on his shoulder. “OK,” the bear said, “let’s get this straight here and now. You’re not coming here to hunt bears, are you?”

Write it down. Please, write it down!

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